24 days later

I hope you didn't think I was gonna go MIA again, hahah. I'm serious, blogging is here to stay this time.

If I had to describe the last month with one word, that word would be change. It's crazy how much has changed in about a month, a lot of realizations and just overall, different. I think I'll do what I did last time with the updates except this time, it'll be the changes in them.

Family - Of course, things are good as always...but I did come to realize how many families are so broken on the inside despite the exterior that everyone else sees. I believe my family is very close though and we all care for each other a lot. Underneath it though, we do have issues. It's weird that I just started to see it. I can just see everyone put it off because they don't want to deal with it..because it's always better to do something else to get your mind off the real problem. And I want to help..but what can I do? What am I supposed to do? I never go a day without making sure they know how much I appreciate them because I can lose them...any minute. It's a scary thought but if that's what it takes for you to sit down and want to fix things, then so be it. I wish I was home more often, then maybe I wouldn't be so out of the loop about things. I come home for about 2 days and everything I find out that has been happening for a month always shocks me. I want to make sure I am here for every person as an individual and my family as a whole. I'm really happy they are my family though, I got reaaal lucky with this one.

Friends - I had an interesting talk with a friend last night about growing apart. I never thought too hard about it but it does happen. It's one thing to lose a friend over silly things or boys or simply lack of common interests but I think time or being busy is no excuse. I know, for myself, that it's hard for me to see people everyday or talk to them because I am so busy. That includes my mom, my brother, family, my bestfriends, my roommates. But never for one second in my mind do I ever think that I'm "growing apart" from them. My friend made a good point though and sometimes it's just unfortunate but I don't believe there is any reason to be sad over it because I know that these people will always be apart of me no matter how far our lives take us away from each other. And the fact that they are all happy doing what they're doing couldn't make happier. I love you, 201 Legends. And most of you that know me, know that me and my best friend live an hour and a half away from each other. It's never been an issue for us though. I mean, yes...there are times where I just want to be home or times where we both feel like we need each other...but if there's proof that you can still be each other's best friend all distance aside, then this is it. I'm blessed to have these people in my life. And lately, I've caught up with one of my ex-best friends which has been soo refreshing. I still care for her a lot and I'm glad we're able to talk just like how things used to be. I really hope things go well for her because she deserves it. It made me happy that we can still talk because I honestly don't even know why we stopped being friends in the first place. She'll always have a place in my heart. Overall, I'm just happy with how things are going in this category.

School - This is probably the category most responsible for all the stress I feel. Hahah. Truly though, I did so bad this quarter. I got roughly a little above a 1.2 It dropped my gpa from a 3.8 to God knows what...how sad. It's actually not even the fact that I did bad that's bothering me. I know why I did bad and this quarter, things are gonna change for sure. Especially because I'm on a contract that states I have to get above a 3.9 That'll motivate me for sure. Haha. Like I said, it's not even my gpa that's making me feel like this. It has a part but it's not everything. Working at the engineering company opened my eyes to things I shouldve realized a long long time ago. I couldn't get through the first 5 assignments without wanting to cry. Don't get me wrong, I like engineering as a class. It's logical, it's interesting, it's nice. But sitting at work, I realized I could never do this for the rest of my life. I can see why my uncle loves it so much. He likes to do it for fun! But for me? This career couldn't have been a worse choice. Now where does that leave me? Almost on my 3rd year of college and I finally just now realize that this isn't for me? Wow. Waaay to go, Emily. Haha. I can't wait to see the look on my counselor's face after she sees my gpa and the news that I don't want to do this anymore. I think deep down I always knew what I was meant to do and so I never allowed myself to explore that route because of my parents. I can't do it anymore though. I talked to my old LARC tutor and he's so right when he says it's better late than never...as long as I'm doing what I love. I have some really really really big decisions to make this quarter. I'm scared as hell but it's also a relief to finally break out of this. We'll see how this goes. Obstacles make you stronger though and I'd like to come out on top. All I know is that this quarter must somehow add up to a 4.0 In the words of Peter Duan and I, "We're getting fucking A's". Haha for serious.

Love - Maybe I should change this category to "relationships" or something. Love seems so unappropriate. Haha. But this category probably changed a hell of a lot too. No, I don't have a boyfriend. No, I didn't find someone I am serious about. Haha but I did find someone who opened up my eyes....really really wide to other things in my life. That's the biggest change I've ever gone through in one night. He made me realize that type of person I was being perceived as and how I am dissatisfied with the person I am. Believe me, I love myself and accept myself unconditionally..but it's time for some growing. Yes, I love making people laugh and I love seeing people happy and I'd go to the end of the tunnel and back to make someone's life better but sometimes I can't help but to wonder what kind of person that makes me. He was so eloquently intelligent (not to mention super super adorable and success bound) that he made me want to be better. So much better. In everything that I do. There's so much more I want to be. He made me realize the person I think I am, the person other people think I am, the person I really am and the person I want to be. And now with all those things in the clear, I think I can safely say that I want to spend this quarter reaching my goals. I have lots of goals and a lot of things I want to do. I'm gonna make a list of that and go right ahead and do it. I'm not gonna do what I think other people want me to do or what they expect of me. Sorry, my life isn't meant to be lived fulfilling your expectations. I'm supposed to be the person I want to be. I don't mind doing things to make other people happy - I will be here any time of day for you to talk to, to be there for you, to support you. And I will stay awake all night to make sure you're okay but only if you're worth it. I can't give everyone this piece of my heart because the people who do deserve it aren't getting the best of me. People like my bestfriends. my family and 201..especially compared to "friends " that I'm so so sad to say are the biggest backstabbers I've ever known. It hurts me to say that I trust the wrong people...because I wouldve and did all I could to keep that smile on your face and I couldn't even get that same honesty back from you two. In the end it's okay because you made me appreciate the right people in my life so much more. I don't want to be that person that doesn't appreciate what they have and go chasing after things that aren't worth it. I want to be fully aware of the people around me and put all my effort into the right places. I want to be the best friend I can be, the best daughter I can be and the best student I can be. It's crazy that he made me realize all this and I'm so grateful. Thank you.


I think that's all for now. Sorry this post was such an up/down rollercoaster. Haha. But I just want to say that this break has been absolutely refreshing and I loved every moment of it. I wish I had more time to spend with the people I love and time to read but it's okay because I'm ready to go to school tomorrow and tackle Spring Quarter 09 like it's no one's business :)


♥ ♥ ♥,
emmyish